Sunday, October 24, 2010

and it's a little bittersweet

 Went home this weekend, because well i could. Had no plans here at school going on, no real crazy tests coming up on monday or anything like that, and realized how long it had been since i'd been home last. Let's just say wayyyyy too long! The last time i was home, was coming back from camp, unpacking repacking doing laundry within two days and then heading up to school to start off welcome week stuff. So it was needed, the seeing the family and a few really wonderful friends and the relaxing. God is good, and it shows through the people who love me. Went to the bonfire and peprally for ASU, definitely still San Angelo, not much has changed haha. Gosh i've missed mo and jill, so freaking much! The best part, is knowing we can go forever without talking or seeing eachother and or talking and when we do get to, its like we never left. Can't wait for summer, to be home around them, just that much more. And Peru comes as well with summer! So stoked! Anyhoo, it was good to be home, and aghh sleep in my wonderful haven of a room, thats so cold and dark, and my big bed, that you just crawl into and hide in the mesh of pillows and covers. The only downside to that room is it's little brother morris' domain as well( our pet cat), so i get woken up when he's ready to leave, or come in.         
  Did i mention i love my family? Squirt is getting taller still...that is not ok, i don't think the concept of a smaller bigger sister will sit well with me...yeah no! She's supposed to be my little 8 year old sister, who still pals around with the boys, and plays with woody and buzz. Nope she's a sixteen year old junior, taking more classes than anyone at her age should, she's brilliant, more than me thats for sure, she's gonna do big things in the world, and she loves jesus more than you can imagine! she's kinda my hero.
  Meme and pawpaw are still doing there thing, gotta love them. They always have something to do, or trying to fill there time with something...usually pleasing little bit (brianna) or attempting to. Pawpaw cracks me up with his camera (cannon rebel xrs..yeah serious) and taking pictures without anyone paying attention, and telling me i couldn't leave until he got one he liked. Its so good to see him back again, back to his old self, God is good! 
  So far this week isn't looking to be too terrible, thank goodness. Really wanting to try and strive to make pageant a higher importance, to give it the attention it needs, and the attention the directors deserved. Ya'll rock just so you know, thank you a million times over!!! Probably should practice the talent more than just during pageant practice, and need to definitely edit the platform and polish it up. Goal- be positive while i'm there, and intentional with the other girls, and can fall apart after. Be in the present not look to the future, as far as practice time period goes, oh and life in general. Still waiting for God to point out my purpose in pageant, hasn't really hit me yet, i mean i got the basic gist, but still not 100% sure. But it's good, yep.
  Really going to make a point to keep up the quiet times daily this week. Monday's always are the best, starting it off first thing in the morning, with a little coffee, and ang :) Started reading in James last week, and liked it, probably, no actually..will be going through that book some more. Yup time to get this week going, it's not a bad one, just need to give the lord the glory he deserves and giong in halfway just doesn't cut it.

Love you family, so so so much!

ending the rant, 
love mare

Monday, October 18, 2010

So...It's been awhile

     Alright so i realize i suck at following through with the commitments i've promised over this blog, with the two different books and such. Therefore when i get the inkling to do something new, i just won't tell you, and it'll be a surprise when it follows through. We'll just stick with updates and day to day thoughts.
     However, I would like to inform ya'll that over the summer while working at Pine Cove I did finish, A Love Worth Giving, by Max Lucado. I can't tell you how good it felt to accomplish finishing a book. Believe me it felt amazing, because the book was ridiculously wonderful. So much truth in it!
     Now for an update on where the Journey is at this moment for me. It's taken me into Pageant this year. Yes the one and only Miss MHB Pageant. Still funny hearing it put together, me Mary Catherine Baucom in a pageant, definitely made it's statement of irony tonight, as i fell down the steps for the second time since we've started practice. Typical. As weird as it is, I'm loving it; even as stressful and overwhelming it is, i really do love it. So far, i've gotten closer with some girls, i just didn't expect to outside of this setting. I am thankful for that. He's got a plan, and I'm seeing little nuggets of purpose in it, daily. Still trying to see the big picture of why he has me there though...guess it's a little more patience, and understanding that i possibly may not ever know. Oh well, nothing to worry over. What else, lets see...Oh i'm painting for my talent, while the song "Beautiful Things", by Micheal Gungor Band plays in the background. If you haven't heard this song, go listen...NOW... Google it, itune it, groove shark it, whatever you gotta do to find it, do it. It's powerful, or at least i think so. What is the painting? Well thats a surprise, if you really want to see, you'll just have to come to pageant in November (cough 12th&13th). My goal is just to do it with a humble heart, so that the painting isn't for man's pleasing eye, but to bring my heavenly father glory. Learning that more and more everytime we have talent night practice. As for the rest of pageant, eh it's a typical pageant with dance and stroll in an evening gown, platform, and interview. It'll be good. 

     Let's see, i'm most definitely confused with my life as far as career goes. Yup right back where i started, I feel like such a huge hypocrite when it comes to this subject. I decide on something and seem to be super excited and goal minded and as i go along i see that its really not that at all. Where am i at now? Business...Am i happy? Take a wild guess.....NO. It's driving me crazy, I've been in college almost 3 full semesters, and have switched majors for each one, and with the possibility of doing it again. I really wouldn't mind it if God was like here neon flashing sign for this major! Hint Hint dude! But thats not my place to say, it's his plan, not mine, just getting a little impatient is all. I feel like such a horrible steward of my time and my families money, UMHB as you all know ain't super cheap. Whatevs, the experience i've had so far is totally worth it. Besides the major thing. All i know for sure is that I love people, which is what keeps me motivated, and overly involved and committed to too much! I can't say no! Ever...Oh well. Anyhoo there is my dilemma, and i can't let suggestions from family or friends bog my mind, because i'll never be able to hear my heart in all of it, and especially the suggestions he's got for me. Kinda need to hear him out a little more. 

    Mhhhhhh anything else new...loving life in the apartments, God has given me so graciously the best roomates a girl could ask for. Gosh they put up with me on every level, i'm a mess and i'm not afraid to admit it. No denial here.They put up laundry for me when i forget to, they listen to my random rambles about whatever happens to be on my mind. They deal with my frog obsession, it's a little ridic i know i know. They are a blessing on many other levels, holding me accountable daily. I hope you three know i love you very much, and am so thankful for the love i receive from each of you. Ya'll are nothing but blessings, and i don't give ya'll enough credit ever. And on a lighter note, thank you for having a rocking sense of style, and freaking amazing taste in food, and MUSIC! I'd be lost without ya'll. 
Sarah visited this weekend! Missed the girl like crazy. First time i've seen anyone besides the family from home, in a lonnnnnnnggg time. We had a fabulous weekend, much needed conversation. Believe me when i say the girl is Wise! Love you best friend, you are a blessing as well. You are strong and passionate, keep trucking along. Be happy! Can't wait for May!!!!
Miss the family, can't wait to see All of them this weekend, when i make my first trip home this semester!!! Whoooo hoooo! Mom,Dad, Cally, MeMe, Pops, Oma, my girls, etc....Family is good! So good! I love you all so very much, just another wonderful blessing I'm so thankful for. Sorry, i know i've neglected our relationships a bit. 
Got an update not too long ago about summer. Ladies and gentlemen God has opened a door for me, to go back, to yes yes yes....PERU!!! Praise!!! I'm so overjoyed, they have a piece of my heart, and i cannot wait to be back there with everyone! 

Alright, a rant, an update, with a few pointless statements, but none the less a rant.

Thank you for making my mess beautiful! God, you are good

love mare

Friday, April 23, 2010

a challenge... with a little love

Alrighty, so today i started a book. Yup another one, that fingers crossed, i will actually complete. Not that i haven't and won't complete crazy love, but this one's different. I am reading this new book, with my lovely friend and mentor. "A Love Worth Giving" by Max Lucado. I started on the first chapter today, and found myself rather enjoying it. It's not so harsh and convicting as Crazy Love, still a magnificent book, but Max takes a softer approach and his just appeals to me differently. I really liked what i read today and wanted to share a core value of what spoke to me the most, with you here goes...

Most of the chapter is explaining how we can never truly show love, unless we are given it (in the correct form) first, ultimate experiencing God's unconditional love. If you are shown little then you love little, however we are called to love one another, it is one of the greatest commandments and we "believe" that we can do this, but normally fail, because we lose the genuine attitude that follows behind it. 

Personally i don't want show someone love unless it's out of the depths of my heart and shown in a way that portrays that of the love of christ or mimics his to a certain degree. I don't want to pity love someone, because it's the right thing to do?! you know?! i wouldn't want that done for me, so how can i expect to give that and have a sufficient meaning for someone else.

As i read on, it continues to explain how we really cannot love someone, or multiple people correctly unless we have experienced true love from him, ourselves. The only love that never fails us, is the love that comes from Jesus Christ.

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says,
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

Those are powerful and comforting words! It gives us hope to just read and have an understanding of it. 
Now that  you've been given the scripture, like the book did, i'm going to challenge you to place your name where "love" or "it" is and read it over and over.

"Mary is patient, mary is kind. Mary does not envy, mary does not boast, she is not proud. Mary is not rude, she is not self-seeking.....and lie and lie and lie...."

You really can't continue it, because as you start the first line you ultimately realize that it isn't a true statement once you put your name in...kind of humbles you huh?! Shoot it sure did for me. As i read it all the way through with my name, God was like ha funny isn't it?! No it's convicting in a good way and kinda becomes an eye opener. However, with it coming off as a lie, we are able to realize that this is the ultimate task we are given to drive our lives towards. These verses, with our names placed in, should be what we strive to become and live for...or how i understood it at least, unless the Big Man is wrong...and newsflash, he's that guy that GOD, he's always right!

Looking for a little less guilt, well read the verse again like normal, and then replace it with this.

"Jesus is patient, jesus is kind. Jesus does not envy, jesus does not boast, he is not proud. Jesus is not rude, he is not self-seeking, he is not easily angered, he is keeps no record of wrong! Jesus does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Jesus always protects, Jesus always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Jesus never fails!"

Tell me please, where you do not find that comforting and try to tell me you don't feel loved after reading it?!?! You can't! It's the plain truth. There is no greater love than the love of our father and jesus christ. He's always going to be there! And with that being said, maybe we need to strive to be more intentional with those around us and a little more flexible in our daily lives, i mean come on, God is always there for us, always waiting, he is patient!!!

I struggle with patience alot! Believe me do i ever, ask any of my friends, i have good moments i really do, but many other times, geeeeez i don't. So today i made another little bracelet and added another simple one, but with the word a reminder of what i need to seek throughout my walk over the next couple of months, and however long this bracelet lasts, and if it's awhile then hopefully it will become a part of my daily life. 

But enough rant for today, take the challenge as you will...

Love never Fails! Jesus never Fails!

Friday, April 16, 2010

"creek bliss"

so typical me..... i wrote down in my journal my "blog" because the wi fi couldn't reach down by the creek, but what doesn't get typed up till today the 16th, and i dated the journal entry the 8th...

anyhoo, here it is...

   So today i get the privilege of blogging at the best location possible. "The creek". And i'm lucky enough that it's just me, the falls, a very chipper bird and some kyle park and aaron watson...good' ol texas country. I just almost can't get over, just how amazingly beautiful it is outside today. I wish that the scene that surrounds me now, was the exact picture i woke up to face the beginning of my day, everyday. It's moments like these, that i can just sit and bask in the "aww" factor of God's glory and beautiful works. Like seriously, the big man knew what he was doing. From designing it ALL from the creek, to the rocks, to the people who made my necklace, to my scar on my foot, to my bike that caused this stupid scar. And each thing in his eye is beautiful and has a purpose in his creation.
   I like, no LOVE, knowing that the same God who made such a gorgeous day, made me as well!!!

Besides today's weather, its been a good day because i only have a single class and work on thursdays. Therefore i get to wake up, get ready, go to a great job, that i'm blessed with it's flexibility, and sold formal tickets in the sub as well and enjoyed great company of some of the world's most fantastic friends. If you asked me this time last year what my life would look like now, it wouldn't look even close to this. I honestly can't imagine being anywhere else and being this happy!

Another joy added to my day, is i finally asked this certain someone to be my mentor. I've thought about it alot and realized how much an impact it would help with my spiritual walk and i would just get to become closer friends with her as well, to top it off! She is so incredibly joyful and i know that it comes from her love of the Lord and living a life that glorifies him.

All this being said... I came to a decision last night. For the longest time my life has consisted of living for christ but slacking in a personal relationship with him. I have come to realize alot lately, recently, previously and notice i get back into my routine of feeling and thinking "i can do it on my own god, i'm good but thanks anyways". I'll pray here and there, and have a "quiet time" when i "feel" like it...(man the quotations are heavy today)...Then something like focus or revival or biblestudy comm group comes up and i realize it again and have a longing to change it and two days later i'm back to square one. I know this sounds like i had a realization moment and i did, yes, but i know without a doubt in my mind that i want to get off my treadmill of a life and start blazing a trail, a trail that consists of living for him but also loving his people and truly understanding and seeking what it means to be "in" Love with him. It's going to take time i know that and i'm glad, no reason to rush, because he's always there, but no putting him aside and abusing his patience and persistence .
I am blessed with so incredibly much. I have a health and happy "together" family. Amazing, Amazing friendships, and so much more...and i can't rely on him or give him my best? and i have a friend who's mamoo is pretty sick and she's going through so very much and my friend finds joy in suffering and my friend finds joy in it, and stands strong in her walk and manages to do her job and school work and never ever gets stressed because she knows it's not worth it, when it comes to eternity and gives it all to one creator and i am absolutely blessed and manage to let worry and stress rule my life and slothfulness and lazyness as well, run prevalent through me. It's not fair to bug, not fair to me and definaetly not fair to GOD who deserves nothing better than all of me and can handle all my worries. However, i can not let my faith and personal relationship be motivated out of guilt, and i won't. 
Soooo...No more treadmill
Grabbing a walking stick (God) and blazing a new trail.

"For this is the day the Lord 
has made and i will rejoice
and be glad in it!"

-well that was quite an extensive rant...making up for time missed...ish

love much

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

no surprise...

       Sooooo I've barely started this new chapter of my journey, and already i'm lagging behind. pretty much my life story i feel like, or at least half of the time. However, i at least caught myself before it really got out of hand, and i put it off a week later or something of that sort.
        Now due to the time of night, i will just have to fill you in on Monday's occurrences later on, in a separate post. But it'll be worth the wait i promise; actually probably not, but whatever. Anyhoo, today was tuesday. Usually not one of my busier days, only one class for the day and that is mathematics review and working in "the office." As for today work consisted of, helping out with fyc and selling formal tickets in the sub. Sadly for the time spent there, my good looks didn't get any sales, and ended in an epic fail, of 0 tickets sold during the two hours i sat there. Oh well, hopefully the others will be more successful in the days to follow, because i think it's gonna turn out to be a good year for formal. 
        Moving on, the morning started off well, with a very needed and relaxing shower. Thursday? yep that was the last....well you get the idea. Talked to God a little in the shower like usual, and while i was getting ready. Found myself off track at some points, and ended with a bit of frustration...which i am not fond of when wanting to spend time with him. However, after cleaning my room for roomcheck and before my 4 o clock class, i had a good half hour of quiet time. I didn't get into the word, but read half of chapter 8 in "Crazy Love", the profile of the obsessed. In all honesty i haven't been keeping up with reading it lately, and today seemed perfect to hop back on track. It was absolutely gorgeous outside, so i sat by the pond and basked in the sun, and expanded my brain for some needed reading time. I really enjoyed having that moment of peace, just that whole concept of taking time to be alone, and in quiet. This causes me to question, if i can feel this way by just grabbing a book and plopping down, then what is still holding me back from plopping down with the greatest book ever written and listening to what God has in store for me, or spending time with him?!?!

------------------------i fell asleep while stretching here, seriously, story of my life-------------------------------------

OK back to where i left off, sorry. Basically, i am learning more everyday,  and that little moment by the pond, was a definite learning moment, and sitting down and focusing on that i can see it. my goal is to finish crazy love within the next few days or week or so, and then start something new, and really work on being consistent with it...not really sure which book, but any book i think will do.

So looking back, now that its a different day once again, i realize that yesterday was just another rough one, and it got alot better as the day went on, but just being sick and silly other little stuff consumes me, it reallllllly does, and i can't lie but i really like being in control. and just realizing, that once i let loose and had a good time, like the softball game (which not to brag, but we won, against a "were too cool/show off team" and i had so much fun, with everyone on the team)  and then after i went and grabbed mc d's with evan, taylor and nicki, and it was so fun, as always, and stopped by the conference center, which i have been to every night this week, and i've missed getting to be there. 

But anyhoo thats where i was yesterday/today/ tuesday, a new form of ranting


Sunday, March 28, 2010

one month...

hello hello hello...
it's been awhile i have to say. and now is the time to change it! before i go into my rant, i would like to say that i have a blog saved in my drafts and it was very extensive and explained why i haven't written in this thing is so long, and shone insight into my spring break life. However, i didn't continue what i had started, and before i could go back to it, i was the most needed, random and wonderful way possible. One night while waiting at revival my friend sarah texted me, talking about how she had no idea i had a blog, and how much she liked getting to read, and telling me how much she loved it. "thank you's" went on, and sarah continued and had more to say, that just compliments, her words to a certain estimate were, "mare i want to challenge you to write consistently each day for one month in your blog, about your god encounters and daily encounters, happy, sad, anything really, but just for a consistent month."
-Therefore, here i am, starting a new chapter in my journey, and probably at the perfect time. What sarah didn't know that upon my return, i had no extra excitement over returning and having revival, excited to be reunited with friends and etc...but no joy otherwise. the last thing honestly i wanted to do, was worship the God who deserves all of me, i have been in a rut, springbreak-breakaway was wonderful and i really applied and am working on what the messages had to say, but just got stuck in a rut inbetween end of breakaway, the rest of my sprinbreak and return to UMHB. i honestly only went to revival because everyone of my close friends were and i thought why not, can't hurt to just be there. What i didn't know was that the revival messages had a special impact of their own waiting...i needed to hear each one...
however, even though its what i know i needed i still continued to let stunt night, o-glorious stunt night rule my life and continued and have been still minded in i've got control. i'm still doing it, and not spending enough time with him and i know it, but i can not get this nagging feeling off my chest, i hate that spending time with him has been feeling like a chore, and it just overwhelms me. i know it shouldn't be, becuase i can take my time and work my way with baby steps with him guiding me, because a relationship with him is soooooo totally personal, and i can not compare mine and his relationship, with anyone elses. i tend to do that, ALOT. 
-thats where i am with all of the rollercoaster emotions, but i wanta let you in on my absolutely wonderful, sponateneously fantastic weekend. buttttttt, it'll have to wait for another post.

-beginning rant of those to come.
-love mare

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

crazy good...

good morning all...
its well not so much morning anymore but the post coincides with this mornings occurences. i woke up this morning, earlier because i work at 8 on tuesdays and thursdays, not a hard job, so not hard to wake up to go do. i have had a good wake up call the past week and a half from a dear friend :) makes it a little easier to roll out of bed. however, i knew that after work this morning was my bicycling class, and due to the ABSOLUTE GLORIOUS weather outside today, (glorious meaning not temperature, but pretty, NO CLOUDSSSSS!) i knew we would be riding outside, conisdering that it rained so much in the past weeks, we have been in the cardio room for workout. The reason i dreaded the ride even though its pretty outside, was the temperature my laptop said this morning (32 degrees and a high of 45 if your lucky, and windchill of 20. hahaha) i thought this is gonnna succcccckkkkk; knowing who my professor was, it was inevitable that we would ride. Sure enough i show up in a decent amount of layers, wait outside the gym for a bit with the others with hardened hearts and complaining without a care in the world, as if the world should revolve around us and she waltzes out in her gear and ready to go. "Its cold i know, but not raining lets go, its gonna be a little shorter but harder intensity to compensate." Crap she's crazy. However, i usually use this time to talk with the big guy upstairs about anything and everything going on in my life that morning or week ( quiet time ish) but today i wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to be miserable and upset and complain about how freakkking cold it was. About five minutes into our ride, i told myself i want to quit and turn around and say screw this and i almost did. Something inside me, stopped me. I'm not sure what it is but i have a feeling he's related to the holy spirit. He said mary, its beautiful, cold outside, but beautiful. You are alive another day, you just told me how you wanted to stop living halfway. Give me your all in this, glorify me in every part of your life, even in a rough bike ride for class. You can do this. Throughout the ride i had low points and reminded myself the all too familiar verse (Philippins 4:13- i can do all things through christ who gives me strength). Sure enough, when my professor would pull up beside me and check on me, i was able to say its hard but im getting through it, it could always be worse, and the sun is shining. i pushed through with the power of knowing god wasn't go anywhere and finished. The ride was hard because the wind chill was ridiculous and it was blowing at about 15 miles, im 111 lbs and 5'4'' not exactly easy to be on a bike, riding up and down hills, cars speeding past, i'm a little biased, but not exactly exaggerating. It was rough, not awful but rough. I did it though, pulled back into campus, and i didn't have a pissy attitude, i was proud that i did it, that i pushed myself through, with a knowledge that HE was there the whole entire time. I know its a weird epiphony with biking and all but sometimes its takes ridiculou scenarios to remind us that we don't have control and when life has its totally suck moments, that he's there, beside us, pushing us, reminding us that he is worthy to be praised no matter what!

Today i will praise you for you are worthy to be praised!

Exodus 15:2 " The lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my GOD and i will praise him, my fathers God and i will Exalt Him!"
Exodus 15:2-21

So theres todays bit of a rant. A lesson learned and a God who's loving and willing to listen :)

Its beautiful, go outside, but its brisk, grab a jacket

Friday, February 5, 2010

thinking...lots of it

Hello blog world. Haven't really written all week, not that i haven't had anything to say, just kinda never really thought about sitting down and typing. But i have thoughts and things to say. Why? Well i've been thinking...alot lately.
Where did it start? well if you wanta know, i started a book recently. Yes I (mary catherine baucom) started a book, and have kept a consistent reading agenda with it. I was a reader, back in the day of elementary school, come middle school and highschool, that just flew out the window into never never land i suppose. i don't really know why, guess i thought i had better things to do. Anyhoo, this book, its called "crazy love" by francis chan. the name itself should say enough. I have seen many a friends reading it, when i stop by to hang in their rooms, or i've been told by many "oh my gosh how come you haven't been, or haven't heard of this yet." Then i have those friends, my accountability friends, by family who tell me you don't have to read this book, but if you are looking for soemthing worthwhile and potentially life transforming, yep yep, this book would be it. So crazy love. It's good. It's honest. It's blunt and honest. Francis Chan is not going to hit you over the head with a bible while he's up on his soapbox, but he's not afraid to be honest, but be encouraging all throughout. I'm not finished, won't be for awhile, because i find myself going back and re-reading over, and over again, to fully grasp what god is saying to me, through this book. It has alot to say and i'm only halfway through chapter four.
The thinking was provoked by this book, its true. What kind of thinking is it? Well, including what chapter 3( "you might not finish this chapter") had to say and what the guest speaker talked about in chapel today. Those two combined have really put me in a spot of breaking down my life. In a nutshell the two have talked about, how am i living my life, is it for God really? or to be a good person and make it to heaven, and do i understand that at this moment i could go home to him without a second glance. Do i fully understand that when its my time to head home, its my time, there is no changing that, he's god, he's all powerful and has the control over my life, and i seem to be living my life with the mindset of "oh i have plenty of time". Do i really? simple question, simple answer "no". For my whole 18 years i've been on this earth i have taken advantage of what god has given me. Living a christian life is hard, and living a hypocritical life is just as hard. Knowing that he spits upon those who are lukewarm in there walk. I love God, i really do. However, i don't show him like i ought to. I show people i do, whenever it seems to be convenient. i feel like a never ending broken record, i've felt that alot in my life, that i've come grips with i'm not living fullllyyy for christ and i keep having that quote epiphony, and it shouldn't have to keep happening. I need for it to be concrete, i long to live a life where i thirst for him and hunger for him on a daily basis. God should be apparent in every single little tiny minute and grandulous ( word?) magnificent apsect of my life. He's not and i know that. I'm lazy, have i ever mentioned that, im very lazy. I'm not a slob, i jsut have a lazy outlook on spending time with god, putting in effort with him. I like to relax i mean don't get me wrong, but don't think that i do nothign all day, i meant emphasis on the relationship factor with God. I love people, i love pouring into them and being around them, i'm a social butterfly i'd guess you could say, always have been. This being true, then why is it so hard for me to pour into God, to live a full and righteous life for him. A relationship cannnnnnnnnn NOT work unless both coherts are putting time and effort into that relationship. Spending time together, talking, praying, laughing. All of these things that make up the relationship i miss out half the time with God. I am not perfect but i am not a heathen. I'm mary and i struggle with the little things, worry and stress over money and school. Then i begin to think about the bigger stuff, school MAJORS and MINORS, and i struggle with my quiet times. However, i know God is bigger than all of these things combined and is just aghhh "crazy love" has just opened my eyes in a way words can not describe, GOD IS SOOOO AMAZING! I truthfully cannot grasp some of the concepts that go along with it. I'm human and he's perfect and powerful and gracious and merciful and he loves me, he loves me he loves me. I don't deserve it, but he tells me i do. He forgives and breaks me down to build me into something new.
So my thinking? basically breaks down into, what am i living for now-adays. Am i? Living for him in every possible aspect of my life. What am i seeking? Is it him? Why am i not living for God as though it were my last day here, my last week here. It very well could be and i could blink and wake up at the foot of his thrown. Am i ready? Am i living a life that glorify's him? I want to be, i really do. So this thinking, needs to be an action, and i will do my best. I will stumble but i want to be his clay, and him the potter.
One more question...

What are you thinking?

-its a great day

Sunday, January 31, 2010

simple joys...

so im not the perfect blogger. definately not an everyday kinda writer, or even weekly. but thats not what matters. its just not that important. anyhoo moving on. simple joys. this weekend was a time for me to realize what those joys truly are. they have many names, different personalities but combined, they make my world a much better place to live in. there are days that go by that i honestly have no idea who i'd be without them. our usual group all headed to tolar yesterday (saturday afternoon) to hang out at nicki's house. not a massive road trip, no big plans set up. we went because we were invited and wanted to hang out like any other day, but getting away from campus added a more beneficial feel to the set up. we ate a massive dinner saturday after we arrived, thanks to nicki's parental units! fabulous!!! couldn't have gone any better, and sitting at the dinner table, its just awesome to pass the salt and think about what austin (focus speaker) had said on wednesday and how it all just chain reacts in conversation.oh and i made one of the funniest comments of the night, and we all rolled in our chairs laughing, everyone all the while still wondering how i could have said a comeback that funny ( talking about be segregated due to seating, girls table, boys at the bar/counter)( taylor saying he was trying to do soemthing nice and let the girls sit where they want togethe- and saying how judged him wrongly for it, and i said well gosh now you know how Jesus felt i guess! ) kinda a you had to be there moment. )we hung out the rest of the night, kinda segregating ourselves once again, in a positive manner, guys went upstairs and played golf on the xbox or playstation with her dad, and the girls including nicki's mom and sister played Catch Phrase (funnest game ever-ish) and laughed and joked around, like we've been doing this our whole lives. Basically were a family and thats the end of it, no doubt in my mind that we are anything less. Moving on after the game, girls took an early hit and dessert, banana pudding and brownies with icecream. YUMMMM!! we proceeded to the computer room to listen to cam play her songs on the keyboard, she does it all by memory and ear, girl is talented! nicki you tubed more songs, angie sang along and watched. and myself welllll, i was trying my very hardest not to fall asleep but lost the battle on and off, waking up to angie giggling at me and stacy (nicki's sister) laughing too. guys all the while still playing games and hearing cody laugh his crazy funny laugh, then decided to come have dessert as well, and we all headed to couch mode again, watching basketball and tv, and changing slowly one by one into pajamas then proceeding upstairs, to watch Step Up 2. Always a good movie, anything with dance, cheesy love story and overly dramatics scenes. i honestly don't think there ever was a moment that didn't go by without the funny but honest commentary from evan, ha part of the fun of watching the movies with the crew. just the simple things that make life all the better. we went to bed once it was over, heading to our seperate places, nicki and i, then ang and cam, and all the boys together. morning came, and the boys gave us our wake up call, with a water gun the size of a cracker practically. and nicki practically dead was asleep all throughout. the five left and i stayed back with nicki, laying in bed watching more tv, waiting for the opportune moment to finally get up and make a productive move. talking about life and what not. headed to lunch with her family, good fooodd and more good conversation. headed back for a bit, then made our way back to belton. drove through grandbury and looked at the precious downtown i would someday be visiting again with my dearest friend nicki! and looking at a part of her life, driving through tolar hearing memories of her life and what made her who she is today. the drive back was filled with hilarious music dancing and good music playing, more great life conversation, and what not. i really enjoy road trips and it wouldn't be the same alone, probably why driving to san angelo, is just so ridiculously boring, ohhhhh my heavens. the weekend started off friday just as wonderful with a visit from a friend from home and the concert with taylor and others... but what i remember is the latter part, and saturday morning brining the boys donuts and milk and juice, and cam joining in as well. but throughout all this, i'm able to really realize the simple joys god has given me in life, through these friendships. im so very lucky to be reminded how much i am loved by god, through these relationships and how much he wants to pursue me, and proving that on a daily basis. the simple joys make life worth living for, they stop us and remind us what truly matters, even just for a moment, when you are all outside, looking at mini donkeys in the freeeeezing weather and having a grand time lauging and joking. i tend to forget what these experiences in life mean to me, and allow them to pass me by as just another activiyt to fill up my weekend, when they are memories to my life story.

a little rant, but a good one :)


Wednesday, January 20, 2010

the beginning...

never in a million years, well maybe not a million but nonethe less, never did i ever think that i'd be doing a blog. i tried to be that typical pre-teen at the age of 11 who wrote in her pretty pink journal, with the fuzzy pen, about boy band crushes and what drama had gone on that day. it lasted i think the total of three days before i found myself utterly bored and writing in the journal wasn't a release but a job, another silly trend like those string bracelets and choker necklaces. definately never found it as a form of release from my day. but somehow here i am, working on a blog, feeling that need to be somewhat clever and entertaining, as though people will look to this as something they have to read. for me, i know im genuinely just not that funny, sometimes, but rarely and really not that clever. and i am quite ok with that.
blogging for me? it will end up being my place of release, i could write this down like anyone else in a journal and talk to god about my day on paper, but i find i get distracted, easily and talking with god in my room or in a place of my own is nice, but my mind wonders. typing is a consisten motion for me, i start and i find it hard to quit. therefore most of the blogs will be ranting and will seem to go on and on. but i know that it is my release and the father already knows my thoughts, but in this way i can tell him about my day without the temptation to lay my head on the pillow for a second, or to get up and look for a new pen, because i don't like the way that one writes. i can let him in this way. and not worry about anyone else, because its for myself and for him. if people read it in the process then awesome, if not then great.

so here i go, let the journey begin.